Check out how your brother signs this card to my parents,
and keep in mind he's known them for 12 years.
"Seasons' Greetings, Raymond Barone. "
- Yeah, Mr. Warmth, huh? - Yeah.
Hey, you know what may help you?
Put a little happy face in the "O."
- Yeah. - People love that.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss having Christmas with them.
- Oh yeah, the alternating years, huh? - Yeah.
That's a treaty that you and Ray worked out, right?
Well, I was drunk on eggnog.
What are you and Ray gonna get Mom and Dad for Christmas?
I don't know. Every year it's so horrible.
Poor Ray, always wrong.
He's over there right now fishing for hints.
Yeah, hints! Heh, he'll never learn.
Mom doesn't give it up so easy.
She always gives the same prepared statement every year:
"Oh, I don't need anything, dears.
I just want two nice boys. "
You two ever try that?
Nice? It's too much trouble.
We used to just go in on some Jean Nate After Bath Splash.
All right, I think I picked up on something.
Oh, want do you want?
Nothing.
Over there sniffing out hints, Ray?
- What are you getting them? - You go first.
No no, you go first.
I said "You go first" first.
So? You go first.
Why don't you both go at the same time?
All right.
One, two, three.
Hammock. You... you...
You didn't say anything.
Hammock?
That's right, it's the perfect gift.
Yeah?
You really see Mom fighting her way out of a hammock?
Shut up, she'll love it.
It's like an outdoor couch. When Dad lies around,
she doesn't have to look at him.
We should get a hammock.
- Hammock? - Right, so let's hear your idea.
All right. You ready for this?
'Cause it blows your hammock to Oyster Bay.
Family portrait photo.
- Who wants that? - I think Ma does, okay?
I think I was reading the signals loud and clear.
Yeah, and what were the signals, Ray?
She said...
"Raymond, I would really love a family portrait photo...
instead of something useless like a hammock. "
- She did not say that. - She will.
Um, you know, Ray, about this photo idea?
- Yeah. - It's really stupid.
Why? It's perfect. It's what she wants.
Well, don't you think?
We're gonna have to spend this whole awful afternoon with them,
and then after we're done we have this permanent reminder
of the whole awful afternoon with them.
- You lose. - Yeah, you wish.
How about backing me up here a little?
We're already spending all of Christmas with them.
Come on, it's a family photo. It'll be nice.
- Oh, all right. - Thank you, honey. Nyaa!
It's good we're getting it done, you know, 'cause...
every year you get older looking, right?
When I say "you"...
I... I mean "me. "
I mean "me," plus $20.
Here are your Christmas cookies. I have to tell you...
Not yet!
Will someone acknowledge the receipt of these cookies so I can have one?
- Oh, Marie, those look... - Good enough.
Hey, Mom and Dad, I think I know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.
Better not be a pet.
- I hate people who give pets. - Yeah yeah, we know, Dad.
Giving a pet means "You're old, I find you boring. Talk to a bird. "
We're thinking of getting you a family photo.
Oh, Raymond, how did you know?
You told him.
And you know, Mom, my gift, unlike Raymond's,
is a total surprise. And is better.
Yeah, anyway, Mom... Mom, we're gonna set it up,
you know, next week. This way you'll have it for Christmastime.
I'm gonna have Debra set it up.
Oh, Raymond, you're going to so much trouble.
Oh yes, he is.
You know, Marie, while we're talking about Christmas,
I had this idea.
Now I know this year is your turn,
but I was thinking of starting a new tradition.
What if we spend Christmas Eve at my parents,
and Christmas Day at your house?
That way nobody misses Christmas together.
That's lovely,
but you'd have to leave Connecticut
in the middle of the night to get back for Christmas morning.
Oh no, we would just stay overnight there
and get to your house about 10:00.
But... but...
but the children coming downstairs
in the morning and opening their presents
and their little faces? How could you take that away from me?
Well, they'll still have faces at 10:00.
"Still have faces at 10:00."
Come on, 10:00 is fine, Marie.
Who needs that crack-of-dawn crap?
Grandpa will give a better show at 10:00.
I have to say, Debra, you're killing Christmas.
Marie, it's really not that big of a deal.
Right, Ray?
Don't you think it's a good idea, Ray?
Just like I thought the family photo was a good idea.
I loved that idea, didn't I, Ray?
It just sounds like a lot of driving.
Dad, could I borrow $20?
I think you made a wonderful gift choice.
You have a lovely family.
You haven't met everybody yet.
Don't worry, I can handle anything.
I used to be a crime scene photographer.
Well, they won't be as quiet as your other clients.
- All right, we're here. - Hi.
What happened? You were right behind us.
Your father parked a mile away.
There's meters right out front.
That's right, meters, money, your father.
Mouth, noise, your mother.
Frank, there's a mirror over there. Why don't you go comb your...
oh, that's right.
Professional photography, one of the all-time great rackets.
- All right, Dad, please. - Grab a camera, find some chumps,
make 'em smile and say "rip-off!"
What are you doing?
Think that you're taking the picture dressed like that?
Ray, I had to come straight from work, okay?
- You did this on purpose. - What?
Wearing that. You're trying to screw up my gift, right?
Hammock?
Calm down, I've brought clothes.
Yeah, well put 'em on, and just watch yourself.
Hi, Robby. You're gonna change,
- aren't you, honey? - Yes, Ma.
Listen, Ma, I still don't understand why Amy couldn't be in the picture.
Well, because it's a Barone family picture.
- Is she a Barone? - Not yet, Ma.
When you make her a Barone, she'll be in the picture.
Stop pressuring me!
You're not changing? Mom, tell him to change.
Okay okay, I'm going.
"Mr. Portraiture!"
- Yeah, that's funny. - Come on now now now
now, boys boys...
part of my present, as lovely as this is, Raymond,
is that we have a family picture that's happy.
And part of a family picture that's happy is what?
- I wouldn't know. - It's... he's...
Come on, part of a family picture that's happy is what?
Two nice boys.
That's nice, dears.
- See now that's a Merry Christmas! - Hi, all!
Oh! Mom and Dad!
Feliz Navidad!
What did you do?
- Hello, everyone. - I'm so glad you're here.
I was getting worried.
The bloody parkway was completely jammed.
I mean jammed!
- Hello, Robert. - Hello.
Oh, Marie, isn't this exciting?
A picture of all of us!
Do you know we don't have any photos of us together?
I wonder why that is.
Raymond, could I see you for a minute, please?
Ow ow, nails nails nails!
Raymond, you know that I care for Debra's parents a great deal.
Everybody knows that.
Don't be fresh.
Why are Warren and Lois here?
I don't know. I'm just as surprised as you are, Mom.
I'm not surprised, Raymond.
I'm disappointed.
All right, no, don't.
Don't get disappointed.
Isn't this my present?
You finally got me a decent present...
It's still decent, Mom.
Look, all right... just help Robert tuck his shirt in, or something.
Hola, Ramon!
Yo estoy listo para la fotografia.
- Okay. - That's "Hello, Raymond.
I am ready for the photograph. "
I'm practicing my Spanish 'cause Lois and I are
on our way to Buenos Aires.
Oh yeah?
What time's the flight?
Well, it won't be for a couple of weeks now.
Después del ano nuevo.
Yeah yeah, that's great, that's great.
I brought another pashmina in case you want to wear one too.
Oh, that'll be so cute, matching pashminas!
I'll be right back. Oh this is such fun, Raymond!
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
What's with your parents?
- What are you talking about? - My-my mom's all upset.
She didn't know your parents were going to be in the picture.
Of course they're gonna be in the picture.
- You told them to come? - Well, yes, Ray.
I mean you said "family photo," so...
family photo.
But you didn't even tell me.
I assumed you knew that my parents were part of the family.
Okay, yes, I knew. But... but you had to know
that my mom would go all "Dog Day Afternoon" on us
if your parents are in her picture!
Well, uh...
Aaah-oh!
What?
- What, what's the matter? - You did know she would hate this.
You did know.
Sabotage!
- What are you talking about? - Why are your parents here?
Because they're part of the family, Ray.
And since I won't be seeing them at Christmas...
Aaah-oh... okay.
Little Debbie's Revenge.
You're trying to get back at me 'cause I didn't support you
with your little stupid Christmas Day thing.
It is not stupid for me to want to be with my family
- at Christmas instead of yours. - You said "instead of mine. "
You don't want to be with mine at all.
- I am with them every day! - Well so am I!
Okay, we're almost ready for the grown-ups.
- Hey, Snaps! - Officer Barone!
Hey, I haven't seen you since I left the force!
- Yeah, well, I made sergeant. - Hey!
So you're taking pictures of the living now, huh?
Yeah. Mostly.
What was our last job together? What was it, the uh, the Bronx?
That's right, yeah. Decapitation.
Yeah.
Right.
- Can we just take the picture? - Look, you better go tell your parents
that this is not cool.
I certainly will not.
Why don't you tell your mother she better accept the fact
that she does get to decide who is in and out of this family.
Just talk to your mother.
You talk to your mother.
- Hey, how much longer? - I don't know, a couple of minutes.
- Look, I gotta do something. - I can't take that Warren anymore.
- "Senor Windbag. " - All right.
He keeps telling me about his latest collection...
vintage walking sticks.
- What do you want from me? - Talk about a waste of money,
he doesn't even limp.
Just go, be nice to him.
He's even got one that holds booze in it.
Surprise!
Hey, Ma, how you doin'?
- Did you talk to Debra? - Yes, I did, we had a great talk.
- Now here's the thing... - Raymond...
No, just listen, Mom.
It's Christmas.
You know, you... you love Christmas.
Remember that Christmas movie, "A Christmas Carol"?
Remember the little crippled boy, and he said,
he said "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. "
So he wants us...
"all"...
to have a "good"...
Okay, how about this?
We put her parents at the edge of the picture
and later you can cut them out.
It's all right, Raymond.
I'm not feeling very well.
Why don't you all take the picture without me?
Mom, I did this for you, Mom.
- I did it for you. - I thought so too.
All right, just wait here.
Excuse me, Ray, can I ask you something?
- What? - Amy can't be in the picture,
but there's plenty of room for Hoity and Toity?
What? I don't care. I don't care if Amy's in it or not.
- Talk to Mom. - See, I would, but she's pretty upset.
Nice gift.
Okay, everybody, whenever you're ready.
Yeah, okay, sure.
All right, listen.
She's crying.
She is not.
She's got the "dry cries. "
Ray, as soon as I get the adults in, then I can bring in the kids.
Right, no problem. Are you gonna help me?
No! This is so typical of your mother.
It's either her way or no way...
this picture, where we spend the holidays, how I raise my children.
Well guess what? Not this time.
Oh, come on! You're killing me here!
This is the first gift I'm getting her that even has a chance of working!
Remember the toaster, huh?
The aquarium?
The Fruit of the Frickin' Month Club!
Don't you see?
I thought she would like this because...
she told me she would!
Just take the picture, and then I'll do whatever you want.
All right, we'll take the picture.
- Thank you. - As long as my parents can be in it.
Ack...!
Fine, okay, fine. They're in.
Thank you for understanding.
Now if we could just please get over there. Please, come on.
Did I tell you how beautiful you look?
You look beautiful. You're like a nice little peach.
Okay, Dad, we're ready. Enough with the cookies, enough, come on.
Had enough cookies, and let's straighten the tie...
Hey, it's too tight. You're popping my head off!
Yeah, we wouldn't want to do that!
Okay, Warren, vaya con Dios.
Actually Raymond, that means "Go with God. "
Well that's good. I learned something new today, okay.
Right over there, vaya con Franco.
- Oh, no... - Yeah, here you go.
Okay, ho ho hee... okay.
Come on, Robert! You ready?
Yeah.
What are you doing? You said you were gonna change.
I decided not to.
Look, it's not my fault that Amy's not in the picture.
Tell you what. Debra's not allowed in your hammock.
You're not either.
Fine.
All right, leave your uniform on. Just get over there?
- "Get over there" what? - Get over there now.
"Get over there... "
Please?
There you go, Raymond.
You'll find that a little kindness goes a long way.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
All right, that's almost everybody.
All right, Ma, it looks like it's all gonna work out.
It doesn't look that way, Raymond.
No no, it is.
It is. You smell nice. What is that? Is that a new perfume?
No, it's what I always wear.
It's my Jean Nate.
I've always... I've always loved that.
And I gotta say something.
I've never told you this, but you know what
one of my favorite things about you is?
- What are you doing? - No, Ma, please,
I'm just trying to compliment you, that's all. I just...
I just love the way you're just so open-minded and considerate,
especially when someone's trying to do something for you.
Raymond, you are putting me into a very awkward situation.
No, I'm not. I'm putting you into your Christmas picture,
which you're gonna love. Hey, everybody, look, it's Mom.
If you could just, please, just try to smile.
I will, Raymond, but this is not the present I wanted.
Raymond, I just noticed that this background is blue.
Do I have time to change into my gray pashmina?
Get back in your place!
We're taking this damn picture!
Would you see what I'm dealing with here? Are you blind?
- Uh, Raymond... - Baaah!
No habla talkie talkie, okay?
I've had it with trying to make everybody happy!
I was trying to do something nice!
I'm sick of everybody coming up to me,
"Oh talk to Debra. " "Talk to your mother. "
"Why can't my girlfriend be in the picture?"
"Oh, I don't want to spend Christmas with them. "
"Fix it, Raymond, talk. " I'm done talking!
Don't talk to me anymore, you hear me?
If you wanna talk, talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!
Maybe I'll just wear the blue.
Okay, here we go.
- I don't think we'd better... - We're taking the picture.
- Come on, guys. - If you need five minutes, I can...
- No no, take the picture. - All right, look over here,
give me a big smile, and say "Merry...
Take the damn picture!
All righty. One, two...
Now we're warming up. These are living people. All right.
One more. Here we go.
All right, come on. Smile everybody.
We don't want Raymond to throw another hissy fit.
Good, that's right.
All right. One for the mantel now.
"Nobody talk to me anymore!"
Very good! Very good!
One, two...
Robert got you a hammock.